Medicine Wheel Nomadic Apothecary

Plant Medicine + Ritual + Magical Spaces

Apothecary + Fire Cupping + Dowsing + Limpias + Reiki + Herbal-infused tales

Yes, I am FULL of myself

{Full moon penumbral eclipse Temazcal }

The night began in a circle. A circle of strangers with one common purpose: to confront, heal and let go off  our shadow self.
We stood around Rita, my teacher, who would be leading the ceremony. I thought I more or less knew what to expect, since I have been fortunate enough to be part of many Lakota Inipi ceremonies.  I knew there were familiar things, but also that there was much more I didn't know.
I was comfortably nervous and excited. This moon and its eclipse had me at odds with myself for 2  days before. My shadow was truly asserting itself and calling my attention.

It didn't take long for the universe to send me my first lesson. Moments after I joined the circle I was handed the hand drum for the  opening prayer and invitation.
It's the second time I am in that position, and I was just as conflicted. 
I knew why this  drum was in my hands  and again I was standing in my own way.

I  took a  deep breath and went for it. Drumming in the rhythm of my  heart, which was a  little faster than normal. It was a time to break away from that which was  still   holding me  back.
We turned to the four directions, father sky and and mother earth, and one by one crawled into the Mother's womb.

Once inside, I could feel the Eucalyptus-covered floor greeting my feet. Engulfed in the sweetest plant medicine smells, we greeted each other in the darkness.
 

Process

Opening the heart and the body

The temazcal is a multi-sensory,  multi-dimensional experience. In this opportunity, we focused on the teachings  overflowing from the  fullness of the moon.
We all began to sing, weep and wail, starting from that night's sorrows and blockages. As we all screamed what we were purging, at the top of our lungs, tears flowed incessantly down my face.

" Out with the  self-doubt! , I want to stop being co-dependent, I let go of  my anger,  I let go of my complacency!, I let go of the need for other's approval! , I let go of my  heartbreak!, I let go of the traumas of abuse!" 

These were all common themes I could hear coming from all the others in between my own yelling. It was so comforting to feel the other's open up and hear the same issues I had,  being released through our collective surrendering.

This first round was hard, it had just made an abrupt hole in the impenetrable. It would make way for my shadow to come in full splendor.
My body felt slightly lighter and emotions would ebb and flow in an unpredictable pattern oscillating between kiddy pool and  tsunami. 

the following rounds combined more screaming, crying , sharing, and softening those hardened emotions we had been carrying until this night, unaddressed and  under the rug.

I had had enough. I was emptying myself. Little by little the shaking and rattling would spill more and more heaviness from my body.  Each breath felt deeper and the healing spirit of the herbs reached recondite spaces. Herbs cleansed between cells, between bones, between my organs, between my thoughts... and ever so gently.

Forgiveness

When the energy had been let out, and we all felt lighter we had one final round. 
We were given a beautiful ramo, a flower arrangement of healing plants. I stood up, and per my teacher's instruction, began gently (and not so gently) patting my whole body from my feel to my head. 

While caressing our bodies with the flowers, we invoked our parents and grandparents. We called  upon their flaws, and the pain caused by what they did or didn't do. out  loud. 
The extreme vulnerability of what was being screamed again, startled me to the point of just listening to the others and nodding in the darkness like if checking things off a list; neglect? check, abuse?  thanks dad!,  racist comments? check!, classism? check! 

We were/are truly all one. 

To finish emptying ourselves, we were made to face the walls in child's pose while Rita  gently caressed  our backs with herbs and  helped us get rid of the last of our shadows for this time. We paid respects to our bodies, for carrying our souls and the excess baggage for all that time.

+ Self - Compassion

Returning from that most humbling position,  we were guided on a journey to meet our inner child. 
I greeted her in tears. I was grateful  to see she was there waiting for me. After all, she is alive and well since I began to heal that part of myself with the opportune arrival of my traveling neck rest and adventure partner Billy Baer ( #BillyBaer on insta).
I have said sorry before, in meditations, in peyote ceremonies, in Ayahuasca ceremonies and through dowsing. All the work I'd done seemed to have tonight as a culmination. 
I felt free. This time instead of staying at "sorry for this or that", A message came through and guided me further back. I went back before many things happened, and told her was she was capable of. I taught her that she could speak up, that she was loved, that she didn't have to put up with so much, and to trust her intuition over what certain people would tell her was ok.

She thanked her  parents, and  grandparents for being the perfect embodiment of the earth lessons she needed to learn to be who she is.  she screamed her mother's name, and then her father's.  They might have taught how to be, and how not be.
Yet she and I still held onto that childhood conditioning that tonight would be dispelled as well. 
Honoring my ancestors, I emptied myself completely off them. I was my own untouched essence.I would now pick and choose all the best qualities them and I have, and compliment them with those I'm working to attain.

Poetic Endings in disjointed rambles

gloom  
penumbral eclipse,
I stand before earth mother's womb
Facing my self reflected on obsidian plates
My shadow self smiling back at me
Hello me! I don't suppress me/you,
Forgive me I just don't know how to talk to me/you
But tonight I have a feeling I'll learn.

Like the moon, I too have cycles
and  cycles within cycles that repeat themselves ignoring my opposition
Morphing cycles that are so engrained in me,  I mistakenly recognize as my own.
And tonight,  this eclipsed snow moon is so like me,
Full of light and Full of darkness
Reflecting light while holding back her shadow

Tonight the moon and I look at ourselves
full brightness in the absence of light
As I heal in this process with every drop of sweat

Folded over on my knees In the Temazcal
I finally understand my fullness
I am in the womb of the/my mother
She too had cycles like the moon
and then I came
Her light cycles eclipsed
She gave me my righteous place
My own ocean kingdom

I saw the  light
Her cycles returned
and since then I should have  known that
I AM FULL OF MYSELF
I am enough
Since birth
Thank you mother
Thank you Temazcalito
Thank you ancestors

Thank you plant medicine


thank you maestra.


 


 

 


 

 

 

 

Om mani padme hung -for all my relations- por todas  mis relaciones  - Mitakuye Oyasin - OMETEOTL - gracias